The Sabres Path to the Playoffs: A Definitive Guide

The Sabres will DEFINITELY make the playoffs this year, as long as they follow these 7 easy steps:

Step 1: Solidify Defensive Structure

The Sabres must focus on gap control and consistent zone exits. Each defenseman will be required to tape a reminder on their sticks: “No blind passes into the slot.” Unfortunately, the duct tape supply is immediately stolen by raccoons, forcing players to scrawl notes in ketchup packets instead.

Step 2: Stabilize Goaltending

Goaltenders must maintain save percentages above league average. This requires technical focus, calm positioning, and confidence. Instead, the Sabres’ tandem fuses into one metaphysical entity known only as “Goalie Blob,” which blocks shots by absorbing them into a gelatinous form. It works until a slapshot rips a hole in Blob, showering section 113 in pucks and regret.

Step 3: Generate Secondary Scoring

Depth players need to contribute regularly. To address this, the coaching staff holds a séance to summon the ghost of Rick Martin for the third line. Unfortunately, they accidentally summon the part-time zamboni driver Greg’s cousin Gregg, who insists on skating counterclockwise forever, generating zero points but a fascinating interpretive dance.

Step 4: Improve Special Teams

The power play must sustain puck possession. The penalty kill must apply pressure to the point. Instead, the team’s “innovative” solution is to play all four penalty killers lying flat across the ice like human planks. While briefly effective, this strategy collapses when one defenseman falls asleep mid-shift and is used as a toboggan by the opposing forward.

Step 5: Maintain Health

Injuries can derail any season. The Sabres hire a full-time nutritionist, but she is quickly replaced by Carl the sentient vending machine, who prescribes only Funyuns and expired Yoo-hoos. By January, half the roster is too bloated to buckle their pads.

Step 6: Establish Winning Culture

Playoff teams thrive on mentality. The Sabres try to cultivate this by chanting affirmations before each game. Unfortunately, they misplace the affirmation cards and instead chant IKEA assembly instructions in Swedish. Strangely, this produces their longest win streak in a decade.

Step 7: Win Games

Ultimately, it all comes down to results. And in true Sabres fashion, they clinch their playoff berth by accidentally winning a game when the opponent is disqualified for fielding three actual buffalo on skates. The animals perform admirably, but the league rules against them after one of the buffalo eats the puck.